A couple told me the other day that something I wrote has been hanging on their fridge for years. Here it is: “Eight Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Son.”
Back when I was a teen, boys chased the girls.
But around about March of 1988, girls began chasing boys. They became aggressive. Like hungry lionesses preying on limping antelopes. They whistle. They yell out of car windows. They call them on the phone.
One of them called the other day. I answered the phone.
A sweet voice said, “Is Jeffery there?”
I replied, “Is this Britney or Chelsey or Olivia? There are so many of you, I get you all mixed up.”
Since my sons are both receiving calls from lovely girls, I have come up with a short list to offer them much needed advice and increase their chances of someday dating one of my sons.
Rule One: If you would like to talk with my son, please do this in the church foyer after the fellowship hour when the lights are on.
Rule Two: My son is sixteen. The following locations and activities are acceptable for your date…
Rule Three: If you would like to hang out with my son, you will have to put up with me. I am out on a weekend pass and I am unsure of what I will say next.
Rule Four: If you would like to contact my son, you may send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you prefer calling or texting, please remember that your call could be monitored by our customer service department.
Rule Five: My son cannot use my minivan to drive you to a mall. The van is already booked that year.
Rule Six: Please do not touch my son. Do not lean against him unless you are falling over or plunging off a cliff.
Rule Seven: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls your age to wear Lady Gaga t-shirts that do not reach their low-slung pants or necklines that plunge lower than the Canadian dollar. You are free to show up in such attire. But be advised, my wife will affix it properly to your body with a glue gun.
Rule Eight: Above all else, please remember that we’ve been praying for this boy since before God gave him breath, and we will continue to. When he chooses a girl, we will be happier than Mr. and Mrs. Turtle when they finally exited Noah’s Ark. But until then we’ll keep praying that both of you will pursue Jesus first, and watch everything else fall into place.
P.S. If you are a teenage girl who has read this and still has a smile on your face, go ahead and call. Our number is 1-800-321. If you somehow get through, just remember that your call may be monitored by our Customer Service Department.
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