Butterball Hotline


I wouldn’t stay employed long if I were one of the operators on the Butterball Turkey hotline. If you haven’t heard of it, this is an actual call-in service for people who need advice when preparing their turkeys for that all important Thanksgiving Day feast. Here are some actual questions that have been asked, followed by answers I might give during my last day on the job.


Caller: “My turkey is all sudsy in the oven. I washed it with soap. What should I do?”
Me: “Ha ha ha ha!!!!”
Caller: “The turkey in my freezer is 30 years old. Is it safe to eat?”
Phil: “A turkey is much like gourmet cheese. The older the better. I have a turkey in my freezer passed down to me from my grandfather. I haven’t decided whether to cook it, or leave it for my grandchildren. One day, they might eat it and say to one another, “Mmm. The 1900s. That was a good century.”
Caller: “Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving?”
Phil: “Not a bad idea. But remember the faster you drive, the faster the turkey cooks. If you cruise at 100 km an hour, it will be done in 4 hours. At 110, the bird should be ready in 3 hours. My recommendation though is that you move the turkey forward three feet. That way you can cook it on the grill.”
Caller: “My Chihuahua climbed inside my turkey. How do I get him out?”
Phil: “Ha ha ha!!!! Preferably head first. And very carefully. Have you tried a vacuum cleaner?”
Well, I wouldn’t take my advice on anything to do with cooking turkeys. That would be like calling a plumber when you have a toothache. There’s nothing as valuable as an expert’s opinion. So ask an expert.


A man spent a lifetime looking for answers to life’s truly big questions in all the wrong places. He said, “I finally realized I had no purpose, no hope. That’s when I asked God, ‘If You’re real, show me.’ Less than 24 hours later, my phone rang. The caller ID said, ‘Real Life.’ It was a pastor. He had the wrong number. I asked him the most important question I’ve ever asked: ‘Tell me about Real Life.’ He did. He led me to Jesus.” Isn’t it amazing the lengths God goes to find His lost kids? If you need answers today, open God’s book and read it. Pray that He will show Himself to you in its pages. The most important answers are closer than you think.


And if you’re looking for help with a turkey, call the Butterball Hotline. One disappointed woman asked why her turkey had no breast meat. Turned out it was lying on the table upside down.

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Phil Callaway

Phil Callaway, the host of Laugh Again, is an award-winning author and speaker, known worldwide for his humorous yet perceptive look at life.

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