Don’t Tell Your Wife

Why a guy never says, “Might as well go for a salad.” 

I’ve been married more than thirty years in a row partly because I learned the hard way that there are 311 things you should never say to your wife. Here is just a sampling. 

When our kids were small and my wife hadn’t slept since October, I said, “Just enjoy these days, you’ll miss them.” Bad idea. Not once did Ramona say, “I sure miss having Barbies in the toilet and Lego in my salad. I sure miss toddlers mistaking my blouse for a Kleenex and piddling in my shoe.” Sure she’ll miss bedtime stories and snuggles in jammies. But she will not miss being so tired that she uses lipstick as deodorant and diaper cream as shampoo. 

Here’s another: “You look tired.” No one who is exhausted has ever been helped by being told they look the part. Say, “You look great.” I’m quite sure the Bible allows you to lie in this instance. Don’t say, “You look rested.” She’ll know you’re a liar. Say “You look great.” She’ll know you’re a liar but she will love you for it.

Never say, “Better go with the salad.” I know it’s crazy but some women have been known to get really sensitive about their weight. So just love them and share their sweet potato fries. By the way, a new study has shown that women who are just a bit overweight live longer. Than the men who point it out to them.

And one more thing never to say: “What did you do all day?” Women work harder than men. No one has done a study on this because no one has ever questioned it. And lived. My wife’s work ends about 10 PM each day. She is an adviser, a chef, a chauffeur, a concierge, a doctor, a nurse, an accountant, an economist, an interior designer, a social planner, and a great lover of God and me. That’s what she does all day.

Proverbs 31 says, “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.” And what should we say? Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Are you kidding? That dress makes you look sleek and fabulous.
  • The phone can wait. Tell me more about you. 
  • So you drove the car through the garage. That’s alright? Are YOU okay?
  • You look so great in it, I didn’t even notice the price tag.
  • What do YOU think about that?
  • You’re absolutely right. Not that I’m surprised.
  • I don’t always understand you. But I love you.
  • You’ve been up all day, let me massage those feet.
  • I can’t believe you married me.
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Phil Callaway

Phil Callaway, the host of Laugh Again, is an award-winning author and speaker, known worldwide for his humorous yet perceptive look at life.

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